Relationships are hard.

For someone like me, relationships have never lasted... until him. He was someone I was happy with for two years - an eternity that felt like minutes (I've never been good at staying the same, so the longest "happy" relationship before him was only 4 months) - and am now so frustrated with that it's ridiculous. But frustration is stupid.... it's an angry emotion and won't breed anything but more anger and resentment. So I really need to think about this question:

What do I really want?

Part of me truly just wants to be alone. Me and the kids, my parents, my company, and the cats. The house clean and things put away like I want them to be. Friends and the occasional girls' night out at the bar or doing karaoke. No smoke smell from the garage or restrictions on how loud I play my dubstep while I do dishes... well. Except for when the kids are in bed, of course.

The other part of me really, truly wonders... what's wrong with me? While I've been assured by many first-hand witnesses that my concerns and opinions and emotions are valid, this one person can still convince me otherwise.

I don't want to be convinced. But really, when you think about it... I can deny that I want to be convinced until I'm blue in the face, but how else would I allow myself to be convinced if I didn't truly want to be deep down?

Ok. I may be over-analyzing. But instead of listening to everyone else, I need to listen to me... and me inside has no clue because I haven't been listening to me inside for a while. I'm not even sure what happened... but mood stabilizing pills cover up emotions instead of letting you deal with them... so I don't think I ever want to try being medicated again.

Note to self: never rely on anyone but yourself. It usually doesn't work.

So the plan is to get my life back together... get things in order, get the house in order, focus on my business, and learn internet marketing and various other skills so that I can continue moving forward. Forward motion is the only way to go.

Everything happens for a reason... I know there's a reason behind this, too. There's some lesson in all of this that I need to learn, so I will try to do just that. It'll be a process... but hopefully it'll be a good process and I can come out of this entire situation stronger and as a better person, regardless of the outcome.

I know this: I love my children. I love my parents. I love our kitties. I want to succeed. I want to garden next spring. I want to earn passive income and write a best-selling novel. I want to help other writers improve their work. And I want to buy the kids a big pool next summer.

I also know that I need to be able to lean on someone else once in a while - emotionally, financially, whatever - because I can't always feel like I have to do everything. I want to feel protected, sheltered, safe, taken care of. Sometimes I want to feel like a woman, not a one-woman army fighting against bills, oil changes, appliance parts, toddlers, and dirty dishes.


08/28/2012 20:10

It's hard to see you feel so isolated and on your own. Life throws us all curve balls, the best thing to do in times like this is focus on your family and self improvement.

I'm truly sorry for being the inspiration for such things, and hope one day you can resolve your frustrations, you deserve to be happy and feel safe.


Joan Raymond link
08/28/2012 20:16

A heartfelt post and a question that many of us ask ourselves. A change of seasons both emotionally and physically might be good for your soul and mind to heal. I wish you the best.


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